ChrisxWesker Crack Edition
by jeenneettee
Summary: Whenever I think that I fail at life, I remember that at least I can write crack. Welcome to the Chrisker Crack Portal. Welcome to my domain. (Welcome to that one party room in the bowling alley that some kid rented out and invited all of her friends but no one showed up so now she's just kinda sitting there drinking a cup of water because the room cost too much.) GOOD LUCK!
1. why i ship this

It was a beautiful day.

To die.

That's right. Today was the day everything in the world would fucking die.

Wesker woke up with a smile (An EVIL smile mind you) and grabbed his gun. He walked outside in his underwear. Because he was killing everyone in sight today, and who the hell wears clothes for that?

As the blonde sugoi master strutted down the street, a sudden feeling overcame his body as he suddenly looked back. There, in the distance, was a legend.

Albert felt a tingle in his anus as he looked upon this tan, steriod induced, boulder raping man.

"Alby, you've been a naughty booy. Cohme here. You knead spankings." It was a deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, DEEP, rippling voice that commanded the fucking aryan's feet to move. "You will no krill no one today. I love you to much."

"I LVE YOU TO BAE" Wesker whisper shouted, then proceeded to bend over and touch his toes.

"Good job exerciseing baebye you look good." Chris slapped the booty.

They had sex.

Then went home.

But Wesker killed everyone anyway, because he does what he wants. And that doing was Chris right after he killed everything.

But did he kill Chris? Find out next time.

Spoilers:

No.


	2. i don't know

Albert Wesker walked into a bar.

Jill fell on her ass laughing, Barry snorted, Brad screamed and pissed his pants, Joseph was killed, and Chris greeted him.

It was a gay bar.

Chris greeted Wesker from inside the bar.

And his ass.

They were having sex now.

But that's when the magical-rainbow-gay-anal-sex-fairy appeared and talked to them both.

"Alllllbert! There is a closet in the way of your freedom! You must," A fabulous pose was struck as the humping pair paid no attention to the fairy. "You must DANCE."

The entire Resident Evil crew then began to dance in a skillful choreograpic motion.

Also, Chris and Wesker were naked.

Stop staring at his ass Jill.

Thank you.


	3. don't make me ship you

It was another beautiful day.

No, Wesker was not going to kill anyone.

Chris walked into the office and sat at his desk. He idly played with his balls pen while Jill was busy doing paperwork next to him.

"Why are you doing that?" The brunette male asked.

"Doing what?" Jill responded.

"Being a developed and well thought out character? You should chill out like Joseph. Sit back, relax, and be a filler death for the plot." Chris smiled.

"You want me dead don't you?" The woman was not pleased.

"Keep staring at my man and you will be. HEY BABY!" Chris leaped upon his man, Wesker, when the blonde Captain had turned the corner into the office.

"You 'die' in less than six games! Time for sex!" The steroid man used his arm to quickly sweep everything off of the table (including Jill's paperwork.) . The two males began to make out and do the sex.

"Oh, come on guys, not in front of me." Jill covered her special eyes and looked away.

"No time for gay jokes Jill, time for you to leave." Wesker then stared at her until she felt too uncomfortable with the awkward "I'm-jiggling-your-best-friend's-balls-deal-with-it" stare.

As the lady left, she grabbed the gun from the table and shot herself. It probably was better to just die a filler character than actually become a well thought out one if this was the kind of shit she would have to deal with.

Wait

what if Jill was no kill?

Tune in next time to get rekt and find out.

Spoilers:

Was no kill.


	4. with a ho

A.N. Spoilers:

There is no A.N.

"Nnhey Chris Cocker, did you know that hippo milk is pink?" Wesker taunted as the plane was moving violently forward.

"Uhh," The brunette male stumped. "Well, did you know that giraffes clean their ears with their eighteen inch tongue?" A smirk flew across the room.

"Fact: there is more saliva, bacteria, and fecal matter on a shopping cart than in a public bathroom!" A scoff from the blonde collided with the smirk.

"Most lipstick's contain fishscales!"

"Cat's urine glow under a black light!"

"Everyone's tongue has a different print!"

"Of course I know that, Chris. I was feeling your's with mine just an hour ago. Anyway, a bull can insiminate up to 300 cows with a single ejaculation!"

"Wesker! We're not supposed to be mentioning that in front of Sheva!"

"What? The making out or the bull sperm?"

"The bull sperm, duh." Chris huffed. "Now, where were we?"

"I believe it was your turn." Wesker cocked his head. "Wait, brb gotta take another shot. I have some steroids, wanna join me?"

"Hell yeah! Wait," Chris checked his pocket. "Oh, wait yeah! I have the 'brutal anal saturation' condoms! We're good!"

The two then went into the COCKpit and did the sex.

Also, Sheva jumped out of the plane without a parachute at the beginning of the fight. So no harm done.

Sorry Sheva.

"Fuck you."


	5. I really don't know anymore

"Chris I, I have something important to tell you." Wesker shuffled his feet, not looking at the man in front of him. "I love you. It's okay if you don't return the feelings, I just need to tell someone. And if anyone deserves to know how I truly feel, that person is you."

"Hey Captain did you see the wreck on the news?" Barry waddled in.

The Captain sighed, and halted his practice.

"What have I told you about knocking, Bartholomew?" The blonde sat down and placed his head in his hands. Why must he deal with such ignorant side characters?

"Uhm," The married male did not know what to say. "I dunno." He just stood there now.

Staring.

"Prolonged eye contact is not very good for your job." Wesker growled. "Please leave."

"But the wreck!"

"You think I give a shit about some cars deciding to have sex in the middle of the highway?!"

"We're S.T.A.R.S.! We're supposed to care! And how did you know it was on the highway?"

Cue illuminate music.

"I, er, didn't. It was a guess." The blonde hid the stray tire popper that was on his desk.

"Hmm." Barry began to think. Shit, stop that Barry! You're breaking the fourth wall!

"Huh? Who's there?"

No one.

"WHO ARE YOU?! Why are you in my head?!"

I'm-uh-I'm you're... Conscious. Yes. I am your voice of reasoning.

"Really? Well, what should I do?"

You should go, (jump off a bridge?) (Shoot your skull in?) (Have sex with Brad?) (Have a threesome with Forest and Brad?) (Be useful in the plot to this story?) (What plot even is there by now?) kill yourself.

"What?! Why would I do that?!"

Because I said so.

Barry slowly grabbed the gun on Wekser's (who was now knocked out don't ask how just know he is.) desk and aim-

"WAIT! I'm not doing this!"

Sorry Barry. I'm the author, and what I type/write goes.

"Oh yeah?! Well how's this for fourth wall breaking!"

NO DON'T DO TH-


	6. Chapter 1

""Ugh... Where am I?""

Though foggy, voices came to the midst.

"Wow! She's Getting Up! Everybody Get Back!" Barry backed up suddenly, bumping into Brad.

"I-I don't like this! W-Where did it come from?!" Tears flooded the man's eyes as he ducked behind Barry.

"It's a She (maybe) Brad,, duh.. Jill,, stop poking it.." Enrico took the pen out of the pale hand.

"Chriss, What should we doo?" The brunette lady inquired, looking towards the ex-air force member.

He was too focused on waking Wesker up instead of wondering where that... Thing, came from. If their Captain didn't wake up, they would have to take him to the Raccoon city hospital. Chris stroked the blonde hair out of his Superior's face. The stuck up captain looked so peaceful asleep, but the brown haired male would much rather have the "nose in the air" Wesker than the sleeping (maybe dead) one. To get that Wesker back, Chris needed answers.

The male marched over to the figure on the ground and jerked it into a standing position.

"How do I wake him up?" A growl flew into the air, threatening everything in it's path.

""Gah, the hell? Where am I?"" The figure shook it's head. ""... Chris Redfield?""

"Yes, that's me. How do I wake him up?!" The man jerked his thumb over to the Blondie whose head was rested on the mahogany desk.

"Calm Down Chris, Give Her-" His speech was interrupted by the stutter of a yellow jacketed man.

"I-It."

"It, A Minute. Once It Gets It's Bearings, Then We'll Ask Questions." Barry's eyebrows knitted together.

"But Wesker-"

"Yes, We're All Worried About The Captain, But If We're Going To Get Any Answers We Have To Wait."

The tanned male huffed a breath of hot air, taking his hands off of the figure. After a few moments wait, the standing... Thing began to speak.

""Alright, so, I'm kind of flabbergasted right now. I mean,"" The form looked about. ""I'm in a room, the office of Albert Wekser mind you, full of the Resident Evil cast. How am I supposed to go about this? This is every Fangirl's/boy's dream! Wait, what if I AM dreaming?!""

"Whatt do you mean 'Resident Evill'?" Jill stumped. "You'ree making no sense. What do Fangirls and Fanboys have to do with anythingg?"

Chris stepped in. "I don't know, but It knows Wesker! You did this!" He started towards the thing in front of him.

The figure hopped back. ""Gah wait! I can fix it!"

Redfield stopped his advances, and stared along with everyone else at the shaking form.

"How?" Enrico asked.

""(Do I really know?)"" The thing thought. ""(I don't even know who I am right now. I need a mirror and some explanations. I just need them to get off my case for a little bit!)""

"W-well?" Brad quivered, still behind Barry.

""I, er, I don't know. BUT! I can figure out how!"" A quick shout was made when Chris began walking again, which made him stop. ""You see, if I can figure out how I did THIS to him,"" A finger was pointed over to Albert. ""Then I can figure out how to reverse it! Easy as that. I just need a little help.""

"Whatt kind of helpp?" The lithe woman asked.

""I just need some time. Now, I need to use the bathroom. Anybody know where one is?"" The figure cringed forward when the urge to 'go' became too large.

The group looked at It funny, eyebrows raised, but Jill lead the way to the hall.

"Uhmm, which door do you go inn?" Valentine asked. The two looked at the doors.

""I... I don't know. I just need a mirror."" The body rushed into the lady's room, and looked to it's left.

There was a sparkling sink.

Next to it a soap dispenser.

Above it, a mirror.

In the mirror...

""What the fuck is THAAAAAAAT?!""


	7. Chapter 2

""Holy SHIT!"" That thing- that porcelain white thing! It was just a figure of white. No face, no clothes, nothing but a white human figure. The mannequin shape twisted it's head left and right to see if any facial shapes were sticking out, but alas, there were none. ""How am I even talking?!"" No mouth movement, yet sound came out.

Jill pushed the door open and arched her eyebrows. "Wee were all kind of confused too when you asked to go to the toilet. You didn't have any breasts, which made Barry think you were a guy. But then we looked down and didn't didn't see a penis either, which made Enrico think you were a girl. Which are youu, It?" An embarrassed smile graced the brunettes lips.

""I, uh... Hmm."" A voice that wasn't too girlish, yet not masculine either stumped with it. ""I can't remember. I can't remember anything. Gosh I'm so STUPID!"" With frustration, It slammed a hand onto the counter. On the white forehead, a flash of blue coloured words, "Stupid" and angry black eyebrows appeared.

Blue eyes widened as Jill looked at the head. "Ohh, lookk!" Her pale hand pointed at the featureless face.

""What?! There's nothing to LOOKK at!"" It looked into the mirror to brew up more self-pity. When the words were seen, they changed colours into a lighter blue and shocked eyebrows popped up. ""I-""

"You Guys Okay In There?" There was a murmur of 'Or Girls' after the question.

"Barryy come heree!" Jill studied the face, the words seemed to be fading.

"I Can't Come In There, I'm A Guy! Let Me Have Some Dignity." Barry, annoyed, huffed out. "You Guys Come Out."

"Ughh Barry, you're such a man pussyy." The blue clothed woman grabbed It's hand and pulled them out into the hallway.

The older man's eyes popped open when the two came out. "What Happened? Did You Give It A Face With A Sharpie?"

"Noo, nitwit. Do what you did in there againn!" Valentine let go of the white hand and looked at the white thing expectantly.

""All right, but I don't know if it will work."" It drew in a large breath. ""I'm so STUPID!"

Silence greeted them.

"Nothing Happened." The disappointment was heavy as It and Jill sighed sadly. "But Was That What You Did In There? Do It Again, But Differently." Barry scratched his scruffy neck.

"Thee words faded outt." Jill added.

""Okay, here it goes. I'm so HAPPY!"" It tried. Nothing changed.

"Again." Barry demanded.

""I'm so EXCITED!"" The white body leaned forward and stuck it's arms out.

"Nopee. Tryy something you're feeling right noww." Jill squinted her eyes, cogs turning (for once) in her brain. "Andd really let the emotion outt."

""*Sigh* I'm so-"" One last breath was taken in. ""FRUSTRATED AND ANGRY AND SAD AND I JUST WANT TO GO HOME WHERE EVER IT MAY BE!""

Something happened, but it was unexpected. Instead of coloured words showing up or eyebrows appearing, the snow white body turned into a deep shade of blood red.

"WOOW! That Worked!" Barry laughed. "We Gotta Get Back To The Others And Show Them The Progress. Come On." He began to walk off.

Jill stayed back for a little with It.

"Iss that how you really feel right noww?" She put a comforting hand on the bright coloured shoulder.

""Yeah."" It sniffled, the colour becoming intense once more before it started to fade into a light red. ""Come on, I'll figure out something.""


	8. Chapter 3

…

…

""So,""

"TELL US HOW TO FIX HIM DAMNIT!" Everyone in the room turned to Chris.

"Chriss calm down, thiss isn't like you at alll. Justt give It some time, it'll figure something outt." Jill put her hands up in defense as the beefcake began to storm towards the pair.

"I've been waiting long enough! An hour is all It should need! Please, just do something!" Grabbing the white shoulder, the strong male pushed the figure towards the sleeping figure of Wesker. "Go on, DO IT!"

As It looked at the peaceful face, the pale arms dressed in S.T.A.R.S. clothing holding the blonde head up, it noticed something strange. Was that a … Sharpie mustache?

""Pffft, Ha.. Haha. !"" It's body keeled over in laughter. This was beautiful! Never before would the white brain imagine that they would be standing in Albert Wesker's office looking at the man who was going to attempt to destroy the world having a petty prank pulled on him. ""This is GOLDEN!""

Chris' blood boiled at the sight. "What are you laughing about?!" He roared.

""L-Look at him! Look at that face!"" A snort escaped the mouth less being.

Taking a peek at Wesker's face, the ex-airforce man whipped his head towards Enrico.

"You little bastard." The Mexican flinched at the Alpha team member's words, but the smile didn't fade as the Sharpie dropped from his pocket.

"Oh come on,, what''s a little harmless prank? We would never get another chance to do this!" Enrico's tan skin made a blur as he fled from the office laughing, saying he needed a drink.

"All right, fun and games are over. Fix it now, or you're gonna regret ever arriving here!" The humor sobered up as the threat left Chris' mouth.

For a little bit, It paced around the steel office desk trying to think of what to do. Expression of emotions was one thing it could do, but doing something physical? That required more. Deduction came into play in It's mind. Chris seemed on edge, like he had done everything. That meant no slapping, punching, water dumping, loud noises, or anything else worked. What was the last thing that happened before It had came here?

""Did any of you see him when he fell asleep?"" It asked. A few shakes of the head went around the room, but Barry spoke up.

"I Was Talking To Wesker About The Crash That Happened. I Heard Something, I Don't Know, Like A Voice. I Can't Remember What It Said Though. It's Like I Remember It Happening, But I Can't Remember Details Or The Words." Barry's rough eyebrows came together and his nose scrunched in deep thought. "The Next Thing I Know, You're In Here On The Floor And The Captain Is K.O.'ed."

""Well, at least we can work off of that."" It sat on the shiny desk. ""A voice, me, and a sleeping Captain. You said there was a crash, right?"" Barry nodded. ""So that gives us four things.""

The group began to think and give ideas. Most of them were spontaneous and stupid, others were completely out of the window. It wasn't until Brad spoke up that they all got a sliver of an idea.

"W-what if you were the v-voice, It?" His murmur pierced the hiatus.

The group stood still as they looked at It. Maybe Brad was right. Maybe the white figure was the key to Wesker's sleeping beauty curse. It was worth a try, if nothing else. Hopefully they would make at least a little progress.

""Here I go." It stood tall. ""Wekser wake u-""

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!" The blonde head shot up like a lightning bolt. "ALPH-" The speech was stopped as soon as the older man looked around. "W-what happened? Who are you? Where am I? Where's Chris?"

The named male flung himself onto his Capitan, tipping the chair backwards and onto the ground in the process.

"YOU'RE AWAKE!"


	9. Chapter 4

""Ugh... Where am I?""

Though foggy, voices came to the midst.

"Wow! She's Getting Up! Everybody Get Back!" Barry backed up suddenly, bumping into Brad.

"I-I don't like this! W-Where did it come from?!" Tears flooded the man's eyes as he ducked behind Barry.

"It's a She (maybe) Brad,, duh.. Jill,, stop poking it.." Enrico took the pen out of the pale hand.

"Chriss, What should we doo?" The brunette lady inquired, looking towards the ex-air force member.

He was too focused on waking Wesker up instead of wondering where that... Thing, came from. If their Captain didn't wake up, they would have to take him to the Raccoon city hospital. Chris stroked the blonde hair out of his Superior's face. The stuck up captain looked so peaceful asleep, but the brown haired male would much rather have the "nose in the air" Wesker than the sleeping (maybe dead) one. To get that Wesker back, Chris needed answers.

The male marched over to the figure on the ground and jerked it into a standing position.

"How do I wake him up?" A growl flew into the air, threatening everything in it's path.

""Gah, the hell? Where am I?"" The figure shook it's head. ""... Chris Redfield?""

"Yes, that's me! Tell me how to wake him up!"

Everything seemed... De javu-y?

Wait...

This had happened before. Suddenly, thoughts flooded the figure's mind.

""I already woke him up! What are you talking about?!"" It yelled.

"Aree you sure about thatt?" Jill raised her eyebrow.

"Yeah,, the captain looks,," Enrico walked over to Wesker and lifted the sleeping one's hand, dropping it back onto the desk. "Asleep.."

""What are you guys talking about? I just woke him... Up..."" It was then that realization hit.

This all HAD happened before.

""Wait a minute..."" It scratched the white head. ""Wekser, wake up now.""

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!" The blonde head shot up like a lightning bolt. "ALPH-" The speech was stopped as soon as the older man looked around. "W-what happened? Who are you? Where am I? Where's Chris?"

The named male began to run to fling himself upon the captain, but was stopped when something grabbed him.

""CHRIS NO!"" With a jerk, the brunnete was flung backwards and away from Albert.

"What the hell are you DOING?!" Chris roared.

""Everybody stay away and let me explain!"" The hand that slapped with enormous force against the reddening white face was definently earned.

"Wesker poo!"

"Chrissy pie!"


	10. Chapter 5

""Ugh... Where am I?""

Though foggy, voices came to the midst.

"Wow! She's Getting Up! Everybody Get Back!" Barry backed up suddenly, bumping into Brad.

"I-I don't like this! W-Where did it come from?!" Tears flooded the man's eyes as he ducked behind Barry.

"It's a She (maybe) Brad,, duh.. Jill,, stop poking it.." Enrico took the pen out of the pale hand.

"Chriss, What should we doo?" The brunette lady inquired, looking towards the ex-air force member.

He was too focused on waking Wesker up instead of wondering where that... Thing, came from. If their Captain didn't wake up, they would have to take him to the Raccoon city hospital. Chris stroked the blonde hair out of his Superior's face. The stuck up captain looked so peaceful asleep, but the brown haired male would much rather have the "nose in the air" Wesker than the sleeping (maybe dead) one. To get that Wesker back, Chris needed answers.

The male marched over to the figure on the ground and jerked it into a standing position.

"How do I wake him up?" A growl flew into the air, threatening everything in it's path.

""Mother fuck."" It felt it's face, the sting still present. ""All right, all of you back up and don't come near me. I'm gonna fix this.""

The group stared as the thing made a … quick recovery.

""Chris, contain yourself and don't you DARE touch Wekser.""

"How do you know my na-"

""Wekser wake up.""

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!" The blonde head shot up like a lightning bolt. "ALPH-" The speech was stopped as soon as the older man looked around. "W-what happened? Who are you? Where am I? Where's Chris?"

"Wekser! You're okay!" Chris squealed in delight.

"Chris!" The blonde stood to approach his... apparently significant other.

""Wowowow, hold up there."" It stood between them, arms held out on either side. ""Kay, let me give you all a quick run down. You,"" A white finger pointed at Redfield. ""And you.""Another finger, but this time at Wesker. ""Do not touch. At all. Please.""

"Whyy nott?" Jill spoke up.

"Are You Okay?" Barry cocked his head.

"W-What are you?" The man in the yellow vest, Brad, stuttered.

""All questions will be answered. Just, please give me a minute."" It placed it's starch face into the white hand.

After resting, It turned to Enrico.

""Can you please come here and poke him?"" The pale hand motioned to the blonde.

"Why him?!" Chris started towards Wesker.

""Chris please, no. Just trust me."" Enrico avoided the brunette's gaze as he went over to the Alpha captain.

"Okay?" The mexican held out a finger and lightly touched the white skin of Albert.


End file.
